One of the cornerstones of parenting is teaching our children how to act and behave. They don’t come with an instruction manual. Kids do not come into this world knowing how to behave or the difference between right and wrong. It is our job to teach them. You can read books and blogs, but much of the teaching and training is really for you. Professionally, through the years I have found that handling behavioral issues has been at the forefront of what parents want and need assistance in managing. Often parents don’t think about managing behavior until it’s a problem. It is human nature not to appreciate or acknowledge something until something goes wrong. Think about electricity. We don’t give it much thought until suddenly the power goes out, and then the whole day becomes a mess because the lights don’t work. Parenting reflects this attitude. We may not acknowledge how our kids are doing until they do something wrong and we are upset with them. The power of targeted praise and rewards is very underrated.
“Catch them being good” is a mantra every parent should employ. Praise often and specifically. “Good job!” is very vague Good job doing what? Try to specify as much as possible. “Good job getting dressed, eating your vegetables, helping set the table, etc.” They know exactly what they are doing well, and they know that they should keep doing it to get the praise and ultimately attention, which is the name of the game for a child. Children want attention, they will do anything to get it. If they cannot get it by being “good,” they will do something negative that is sure to stop a room.
One way to insure more positive behaviors than negative is to stay ahead of things. If everyone is playing nicely, we have a tendency to not comment, perhaps afraid to break the spell, but then when a fight breaks out, we swoop in. In a situation where things are going well I am a fan of drive-by praise. The kids are cooperating and playing together. We don’t want to interrupt and change the dynamic, but we can walk by and say, “I like when you all cooperate and play nicely together.” Keep moving, but the point is made and the praise received.
At different phases of childhood there is something called “Junk Behaviors” that arise. Junk behaviors are age-appropriate negative behaviors. An example of a toddler’s junk behavior would be a tantrum, while a teen’s might be the ever-present eye roll. Ignoring junk behaviors and not giving them attention is key. Focus on the positives. A toddler mid-tantrum, face down and screaming, can be stepped over and left alone to cry while you wait it out. The minute they stop crying, some form of positive attention can be given such a hug or positive statement about using words when frustrated. If we rush in to calm the tantrum or scream out of frustration, we have reinforced the behavior we do not want. We want to praise the positive behaviors and, unless harmful, ignore or withhold attention for negative behaviors. A favorite saying of mine for an eye-rolling teen is, “If the eyes are rolling, but the feet are going, ignore the eyes.” What I mean by this is, if you ask your child to do something, and they huff and puff and roll their eyes but are in motion to complete whatever exasperating task you have requested, ignore their protests. Most of us would be tempted to respond with an angry, “Don’t roll you eyes at me when I am talking to you!” They have now stopped the forward motion, and you have an epic battle on your hands, while the task remains incomplete. Ignore the eye roll, and praise the motion. “Thank you for clearing the table”.
Consequences can be both negative or positive. We want our consequences to be positive, and that happens if we catch them being good. Positive praise works with teaching and training new things, but sometimes something more is required. This is where rewards come in to play. Some parents do not like the idea of a reward because it feels like a bribe. You do this, and you get that sort of thing. I will use the concept of a grocery store cookie to illustrate my point. You run into the store, and the child starts crying to get a cookie. You just have a few things to get, and the crying and tantrum that ensue is slowing you down. “Okay, okay, if I get you a cookie, will you stop crying so we can get through the store?” You get the cookie, and your kid stops crying. This is a bribe. The reward example is as follows: “Mommy needs to run into the store to get a few things. If you cooperate and stay with Mommy and have a good attitude, you will earn a cookie as we leave the store.” We all need rewards and often get them. Your reward for going to work is your pay check. If you don’t go, you don’t get paid. It isn’t a bribe, it is a reward.
A reward system can be helpful in teaching a new skill or improving a situation like the bedtime or morning routine. Rewards for young children do not need to be elaborate. A sticker, a story, and snuggle time, or even some special screen time, can be enough. For older kids a reward can be an allowance for completed chores or time with friends for good grades. We will spend more time on rewards and routines in the future.
Please send in questions and comments. I am happy to expound or elaborate on any content from this week’s or past posts and would love to hear any questions regarding specific behavior concerns.
Parenting with Practice 